Best friends

Best friends, they call themselves –

All of the same feather;

Delving deep

Into the bottom

Of the insides

Where happiness lingers,

Care blossoms,

And pain vanishes,

Planting lies

Into the soil

Of trust.

Life is full of smiles,

Love, care, hope.

Life is a celebration,

With the like-mindedness

Of people around.

Until one point, when

The truth is finally let out

In the open

To let know

That the most sacred place

Within the heart

Has been tainted

With betrayal,

With the untold truth;

The way things turned out

That has damaged

The capacity

To trust any person

Ever again.

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About Trust

I’d watched a tamil movie today – Yaman. It was like a political drama, and I would’ve felt it very, very irrational and non-realistic had I not experienced so much as I have thus far in life. In the movie, each and every character ends up plotting against someone who was once on their side, and very close to them. The MC kills everyone at the end and emerges as the newly elected MLA – after killing all those people who had done wrong (and they were all a major threat to him, so he had no other choice), but this movie showed everyone that anyone could turn against anyone – just like that.

Which is true, because even though there had been no one who wanted to murder me, I’ve seen my share of things to stay aware, to stay away, to stay wary of people who seem to come too close, or even as an average friend. I’m beginning to build this little gap between me and everyone, like the crocodile-invested water surrounding castles of old. Hah!

I’ve seen people take money from me and disappear, I’ve seen people who’d been my roommate for months and ended up stealing stuff and hiding things from the rest of us, I’ve seen people who avoid me when I ask them to return my money because I needed them, I’ve seen people who behaved like best friends – divine friendship, if you will – and have hidden things and fought with you for something you thought all the time that you did something terrible, and it turned out that what you had done didn’t count even as a tiny dot. I’ve seen people who’re kind, I’ve seen people who said they’d be there for me always, I’ve seen people who liked me very much, and I’ve somehow ended up hurting them without meaning to, I’ve seen people who care, who love me – my mother and father, I’ve seen people who think I’m dumb – (99% of my friends call me that) and I’ve seen people who think I’m innocent (the same 99℅ of people think so), I’ve seen people discourage me from doing things, I’ve seen my whole school encourage me while I was young (I don’t know why, but everyone in my school back then had some unshakable belief in me, and that’s what made me become the school topper in 10th, I guess), I’ve seen EVERYTHING.

All kinds of people.

I couldn’t ask for more.

And I have learned, from my previous experiences, that I shouldn’t be trusting anyone. I try to not hurt anyone, I try to be polite all the time, but people don’t seem to reciprocate it, sometimes. And it hurts – a lot.

The more closer they are to you, the more it hurts. You stop caring, finally. You start thinking that no one is worth all the hurt, and you build this cocoon around yourself, but you keep fluttering out every now and then, because you know you’re not one to stay put – you’re just not that kind of person.

But you have to live within that cocoon – else, you’ll start expecting again from people. Trust is not the thing, actually. It’s expectation. Expectation that they’ll stay true – all the time. Expectation that your life will be spun out like a perfect fairytale; that whoever you meet will forever be loyal to you and only you, and that they will never think selfishly. When you expect something and you don’t get it, you get hurt.

So now I’ve found the key. I’ve stopped expecting. Completely.

It’s not like I had already been dependent on people until now – I always stay a bit independent, and don’t ask any favours from anyone – a trait I believe to have inherited from my father.

I never ask anyone to do anything for me. Even a simple thing to get from somewhere. So now I’ve just stopped expecting, I’ve stopped assuming. Because we don’t know who they really are. They might appear to us as friends, but who really are they?

I will never think I know the people I know anymore. Because no one ever knows.

I’m sensitive, get hurt for little things, try to let no one know how bad I’m hurt, make sure my roommates never know a thing when I feel terrible, I sit alone in the dark to sulk and then come back, I badly need someone to complain everything about, and WordPress is all I can think about. What a healthy state of mind!

I’m a total mess.

Trust built upon time

Again and again

The little spider 

Keeps trust

And builds its web

Thinking it would,

This time,

Be safe,

Because the walls 

Are now stronger —

But alas,

It never knew

That the wind

Had always been

And will always be

Stronger than the web,

And that there is no way

The spider can live

In peace.


— 

Trust – there’s no way one can live in peace unless one doesn’t trust ANYONE in this world. Even those who we think are close with, eventually show you who’s wrong.

Run away from me

​As bright as lightning

You now get to see.. 

The truth bared out 

From underneath.

For, I’m an unwanted scar

On the jabberwocky’s flawless skin;

I’m the scorching heat

That the fire emanates from within.

I’m only a tiny black patch;

Sucking up all of the light left.

I now rule; the sun is now conquerable;

Mountains are uprooted and blown adrift.

I’m the chunk of cigarette you just smoked;

Waiting to see your last chronic cough.

I’m the abandoned venomous needle in the dunes of Sahara.

Waiting to prick you dead and make off.

I’m the edge of a sword;

I crave blood.

I’m buried in the pit of hell;

To swallow you up into a world of dread.

I’m like a white snow flake;

Beautiful, yet bringing the deadly chill of the Arctic.

I now rule; the sun is now conquerable;

Mountains are uprooted and blown adrift.

As clear as crystal,

Did I reveal myself to you.

All you need to do now is run far away,

Or until the end, remain true.

And now, sunlight is all you will see.

And the world is finally left to be.

My inner demons

Warning: the poem is dark.

I ran in the darkness, not knowing where I was going
My feet were bleeding; it was the work of thorns and sharp stones
I still ran, because I felt I should
Else, something was going to eat me alive.

I ran amidst trees that waved their huge branches about like crazy
In an attempt to catch me
I ran as the wind beat against my face, slapping my cheeks
As though punishing for all my crimes.

I ran, as the moon refused to come to my rescue
Without even an ounce of moonlight.
I ran, as the cries from behind became louder
And were now closing in on me.

I ran as fast as my legs could carry me
Never giving up;
I ran… without knowing.. that ahead of me
Were the ugliest of spirits waiting to suck my soul out

I came to a halt as I saw what was ahead of me:
Hungry spirits and pointy teeth.
They were coming for me;
My head reeled.

But before I fell,
I felt a hundred shiny black hands catch me from behind
The very ones I had been running from.
They had finally gotten me.

I could see the black, pointy nails of a hand closing in on my throat
I felt my brain give away;
And just like that,
I was falling into oblivion.

As I was falling into the bottomless hole from which I could never return,
I knew..
That although I had countless people I held dear,
There wasn’t one name I could call out to.

The truth is,
There will never be a person you can trust
Unless it’s your own self.
As I realize this, the shiny black hands leave me alone and disappear.

Wrong choice

NaPoWriMo day 11:

Here’s today’s contribution! Another limerick (surprise, surprise!) I wrote about a shallow girl who fell for a cheater.

Heels as high as mountains, and cheeks a light pink;

Skirt flowing down to her ankles, liquid as a drink;

Lips red and shining with heavy lip gloss,

Mascara filled lashes and eyes as green as moss;

That man loved her for her money, little did she know or think.