I’d watched a tamil movie today – Yaman. It was like a political drama, and I would’ve felt it very, very irrational and non-realistic had I not experienced so much as I have thus far in life. In the movie, each and every character ends up plotting against someone who was once on their side, and very close to them. The MC kills everyone at the end and emerges as the newly elected MLA – after killing all those people who had done wrong (and they were all a major threat to him, so he had no other choice), but this movie showed everyone that anyone could turn against anyone – just like that.
Which is true, because even though there had been no one who wanted to murder me, I’ve seen my share of things to stay aware, to stay away, to stay wary of people who seem to come too close, or even as an average friend. I’m beginning to build this little gap between me and everyone, like the crocodile-invested water surrounding castles of old. Hah!
I’ve seen people take money from me and disappear, I’ve seen people who’d been my roommate for months and ended up stealing stuff and hiding things from the rest of us, I’ve seen people who avoid me when I ask them to return my money because I needed them, I’ve seen people who behaved like best friends – divine friendship, if you will – and have hidden things and fought with you for something you thought all the time that you did something terrible, and it turned out that what you had done didn’t count even as a tiny dot. I’ve seen people who’re kind, I’ve seen people who said they’d be there for me always, I’ve seen people who liked me very much, and I’ve somehow ended up hurting them without meaning to, I’ve seen people who care, who love me – my mother and father, I’ve seen people who think I’m dumb – (99% of my friends call me that) and I’ve seen people who think I’m innocent (the same 99℅ of people think so), I’ve seen people discourage me from doing things, I’ve seen my whole school encourage me while I was young (I don’t know why, but everyone in my school back then had some unshakable belief in me, and that’s what made me become the school topper in 10th, I guess), I’ve seen EVERYTHING.
All kinds of people.
I couldn’t ask for more.
And I have learned, from my previous experiences, that I shouldn’t be trusting anyone. I try to not hurt anyone, I try to be polite all the time, but people don’t seem to reciprocate it, sometimes. And it hurts – a lot.
The more closer they are to you, the more it hurts. You stop caring, finally. You start thinking that no one is worth all the hurt, and you build this cocoon around yourself, but you keep fluttering out every now and then, because you know you’re not one to stay put – you’re just not that kind of person.
But you have to live within that cocoon – else, you’ll start expecting again from people. Trust is not the thing, actually. It’s expectation. Expectation that they’ll stay true – all the time. Expectation that your life will be spun out like a perfect fairytale; that whoever you meet will forever be loyal to you and only you, and that they will never think selfishly. When you expect something and you don’t get it, you get hurt.
So now I’ve found the key. I’ve stopped expecting. Completely.
It’s not like I had already been dependent on people until now – I always stay a bit independent, and don’t ask any favours from anyone – a trait I believe to have inherited from my father.
I never ask anyone to do anything for me. Even a simple thing to get from somewhere. So now I’ve just stopped expecting, I’ve stopped assuming. Because we don’t know who they really are. They might appear to us as friends, but who really are they?
I will never think I know the people I know anymore. Because no one ever knows.
I’m sensitive, get hurt for little things, try to let no one know how bad I’m hurt, make sure my roommates never know a thing when I feel terrible, I sit alone in the dark to sulk and then come back, I badly need someone to complain everything about, and WordPress is all I can think about. What a healthy state of mind!
I’m a total mess.