This turned out to be a vent post, lol. Don’t mind this one if you aren’t really into reading people vent and all. I just needed to get this out, so here it is.
Today was the last day in college, and I didn’t even get to act like it was the last day. Ever since I got placed and TCS gave me a different classroom to be in (long story short, TCS, the company that I had been recruited into has revised our college syllabus, and in the final semester, we had TCS-chosen subjects). So since I didn’t really have a big gang of friends and all, I got to simply eat and leave with a friend, D.
Yeah, I will never be going back again. I sometimes don’t even feel the pain of leaving college, which is sort of odd for a person like me. I cry a lot during farewells… I still remember the way I cried on the last day at tuition when we were in 10th grade. I even wept last year because my friends were leaving college… but here I am, all done with my course, and still as stone.
A few tears roll down my eyes whenever I think about leaving home, and with it, mom. But never for any particular friend in college. I guess I’ve gotten a bit cold as time flew by. Back in school, I got close with many… but now, I guess it’s not really that way.
And it’s all because of the way people looked at me back then, and the way people look at me now. Now that I think about this, I think I might’ve changed a bit over the years. I don’t really consider myself close to even my closest friends now… I dunno how I even manage to do that.
Something tells me that I’ll never find friendship at workplace. I mean… not the kind of friendship that I need, anyway. I really need a good friend to be by my side, to tell me everything’s okay. To actually like me the way I am. And P’s the one who LOVES me the way I am. She will never be forgotten, will always be missed.
I was so used to having summer holidays that since I realized I won’t be having any from now on, I began hating my future life already. Alright, there will be more money after I join work; I can wear anything I want, buy any mobile I want, and do whatever I want. But will there really be any rest? Doubtful.
Anyway, life goes on, right? I just cannot sit in a corner and sulk over the fact that I’m all grown up.
Little things make my day – like feeding a stray dog a packet of biscuits, which I did yesterday and two days before, and today some guy at the canteen made my day. I was buying a token at the canteen, and a student was issuing the tokens (dunno why the people of the canteen abandon ship sometimes) and he said “Thank you ma. It’s good to see a bright smiling face in the midst of all this.” I really didn’t realize I was smiling until he told me so. Anyway, by telling me so, he had made my day.
The point that I’m trying to arrive to is… things have taken such a strange turn in my life that I don’t have any friends beside me anymore, thanks to this splitting of streams and all that TCS stuff. Strangers make my day now-a-days, even dogs do. I keep feeling I’m losing my friends gradually. It isn’t visible, but it’s happening. I’ve been distanced from the people I like to be with.
And many of them have moved to other places too… Now that I come to think of this, I never call them. I never have balance in my phone, and I keep telling everyone that as a reason. Maybe I wasn’t much of a ‘friend’ person from the beginning, after all.
Now, I’ll be thrown into some ocean in which I’ll have to swim hard, and rough, and tough. I’ll be well outside my comfy zone, and I will have not many friends. I will have no one to share my happiness with; I am not going to have anyone to help with my sorrows and my tales of utter woe.
I can be easily classified into the lonely sort, but something in me still craves for friends. I don’t know why I sometimes don’t want to be with friends… I feel alone even when there’s a whole bunch of them with me, at times. I never feel at ease even with them; I don’t understand why I even need them. Because I don’t.
No one will be there in the end anyway.