Home

Here’s a poem that I wrote for my neighbour Mrs.K, overhearing a phone conversation with her daughter:
All I’ve ever wanted

In life

Was to have a home I could go back to –

Cozy and warm,

Where there is no pretense,

Where I can be

My true monstrous self,

Where I can find

Comfort, happiness, peace

And love,

Despite all the hatred that I manage to dump

Upon innocent people;

All I ever wanted 

In life

Is to have one person

Who would care for me

Despite all my flaws,

Who knows me, understands me, 

All my insane thoughts and percepts,

Loves me unconditionally;

And now,

As that one person

Pleads with all her might,

For me to come back,

Yearning for another day with me,

Having a heart made of stone, I deny;

I have everything I’ve ever wanted

And yet nothing.

And as I deny, she pleads even more,

And in every little unhearable beat 

Of my heart,

As every little droplet of blood

Is being pumped out,

One can hear the happiness,

The gratefulness,

Ocean-deep sorrow,

The hurt, the pain,

True love,

The anger, lonesomeness;

Swaying with the rhythm

Of a long-forgotten, woeful song

Sometimes, like the tumultuous waves of the open sea,

My bloodstream rises and falls,

Constricted to the walls of tiny veins,

Unable to rupture and flow free;

And that pressure was able to show me –

I wanna come home, mother,

I really do.

Advertisements

Illusion

As if there are fire torches

In an underground cavern,

As if there are stars

On a moonless night,

As if there are roses

In a barren desert,

As if there are flecks of hope

In moments of despair,

Here I am,

Trapped in this illusion,

As if there’s love

Amdist all the well-concealed hate.

Waiting

​Waiting

Every moment

With utmost vigilance,

To capture in memory permanently

That one moment:

One sign

Of love –

One gesture

Of care –

From you,

Hoping

There are things

Left unsaid

Everyday I wait, thinking

That one day you’ll see

My honesty,

You’ll see

That I had always wanted

To be there,

That there had always been 

An empty space

That you hadn’t filled,

But that’s okay.

Still, I know

That there exists a tiny part

Of you

That loves me unconditionally

Like any father does

Their daughter;

Though you never show it to me,

I know it exists.



My only worry

Every single drop

Of your tears,

Being sharper than a knife –

Shatters me

Into a billion pieces;

All the silent moments,

Those of away-ness,

Days of no response,

Which is all we ever have,

Is saddening;

I realise

That you’ve suffered so much

That you’ve not laughed

With all your heart

Since decades;

Knowing that you will never laugh

The way you did before,

That you’ll never be as carefree

As you had once been,

Knowing that you will

Forever push away

Everyone who comes to help,

Saying they’re not worthy enough

Is why I’m unable

To do anything

But weep silently;

As this inability to be of help

Gnaws my insides

Little by little,

And I shall perish

Worrying about you, father,

Till my last day.

My umbrella

It rains not every single day,

I forget you’re even there,

Safely resting

In a forgotten corner

Of my little bag;

You’re my umbrella,

Shielding me

From all the pain

That life showers upon me;

You’re my umbrella,

Shielding me from the sun,

Lest my skin should get tan;

You’re my umbrella,

Under which I can hide my tears

Or peel away the everyday facade

Of happiness;

You’re my umbrella,

Although I don’t require one everyday,

I know you’re there, always.

You’re my umbrella, father,

You’re the haven that I always look for.

Vulnerable

Loneliest of all,

Having no one to listen

To the grief, the sorrow,

Having no one who gives a damn,

Having a friend

Or a person

In life,

Who wants to know

The reason

Behind this loneliness,

This moment of weakness,

This moment

Where any stranger

Can enter

And disrupt the routine

Of an already uneventful life,

Is the most frightening of all.

Being vulnerable

To love that’s fake,

To shallow talks of consolation,

Melting for a tiny word,

Hanging onto it for support,

Believing it would last forever

Is what makes things

Harder.

Fly

Like the high clouds

I want to soar

So I could reach you,

So I could touch you,

So that I could see

Where you reside

In the sky

Like a King,

Where I can be the queen,

Where I get 

To love you forever,

To laugh like there’s no tomorrow,

Lean on your broad shoulders,

Let the tears of pain flow,

Let the happiness sink in

Until it reaches

The mighty ocean below

Into which I shall jump,

To get precious pearls

To adorn you with;

And when I look up,

I will yearn for you

And only you,

And will wait

In this life and the next

For you

To come down to me,

And set me free with you,

Into the sky

Where we can fly

Without a care.

And the moon would never come down.

That guilt

​All day

I think of you,

Deep in my thoughts

In my every action,

As I find guilt

Crawling forward

And stopping that smile

Halfway,

Pushing away

All things happy,

As I know

I was never good enough;

I know,

I’ve been fighting

For a lost cause;

I think of you

Who’s in pain,

Who needs me

And yet never admits;

I want to do all that I can,

Breaking this wall

Of ego

As the daughterly love,

As creepy as it can be

Fills in 

The air around you,

Disentangling you

From the web of loneliness

That you’re trapped in;

Don’t be afraid

To hold my hand,

And walk in the dark.

Know that I could do anything

Just anything

To make your everyday life

Better.

The lonely tree

Like the lonely tree

That tried to survive

The scorching sun

Of the south,

I see you

As you struggle, as your leaves fall,

One by one

And yet, you never lean

Onto someone.

Like the pitiful, undernourished tree

You need love,

Care,

You have to open up,

Take in the air around you,

And cherish every little breath

So you don’t perish

In this desert

Where you will never be found again,

Where you will be eaten whole.

Do not trudge away,

Lean on me, I shall support you,

Do not walk away

To an unknown place

Because no one else cares

About you, father,

Like I do.

The daughter who never cared

​I wake up from a cozy bed,

Miles away, you wake up from the ground;

I idle around for a while,

Overcoming your tiredness, you stand;

I get dressed and walk to gym

You start with your daily chores;

I get ready to office,

Without even the strength to stand, you cook;

I go sit in a fully air conditioned place,

You’re done in the afternoon.

I eat lunch,

You eat your breakfast-cum-lunch;

I go back to my cozy cubicle,

You still have work to do.

And with your injured leg,

You do all of this,

As I enjoy my life

As if you’re​ not at all suffering,

As if this feeling of guilt

Never exists,

As if I never feel like coming back home

To help you,

To do all the work,

To let you relax,

To make your daily life…

A bit more easier.

I never am blessed

With the gift

Of serving you,

Taking care of you,

And I stand in utter shame

As I am unable

To make your daily life…

A bit more easier.

Will I ever

Get to rest in peace?

This is in the POV of Ms.K, the neighbour I’d always observe and write about. She and her father had a fight yesterday, and she was shouting so loud that I could hear what it was about. She lives alone in a different place, and had come to visit her parents yesterday. Their father is very simple, and yet egoistic. So is she. Theirs is one ego-filled family, for sure.