Unworthy

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Being unworthy

Of friendship,

Letting go of those

That had shown mercy

Unknowingly

During times of difficulty;

Letting go of those

Who were once everything,

Whose simple existence,

Senseless everyday banter, abyss-deep care

Freed all demons

That occupied the mind;

Undeserving of all the care received thus far,

Incapable of love,

Inefficient in understanding

What it means

To have a friend in life,

Unworthy of attention –

As light is shed upon this,

And as everyone leaves

One by one,

The demons come back

This time, even stronger

To corrupt the newly emptied mind.

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Best friends

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Best friends, they call themselves –

All of the same feather;

Delving deep

Into the bottom

Of the insides

Where happiness lingers,

Care blossoms,

And pain vanishes,

Planting lies

Into the soil

Of trust.

Life is full of smiles,

Love, care, hope.

Life is a celebration,

With the like-mindedness

Of people around.

Until one point, when

The truth is finally let out

In the open

To let know

That the most sacred place

Within the heart

Has been tainted

With betrayal,

With the untold truth;

The way things turned out

That has damaged

The capacity

To trust any person

Ever again.

College days

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Like a heaven-sent gift package

Did you all

Drop down

From the skies above

Just to make my life easier,

Happier,

Crazier,

Just for me to have

People in life

Who will walk beside

Until death

Who will stay

Silently, like the tranquil sea

With your never ending support;

Back then, when it was cold

And dark

And lonely,

You all sprinkled some hue

Into me,

Made me smile,

Made me look forward

For days 

I wish I’d never forget.

Thank you for everything, dear fellas,

Thank you.


I was suddenly reminded of my college days, so.. just a little thank-you post for people who mean a lot, who will never ever come across this post in life, but still I want to thank them without thanking them – haha.

Best day

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I’m writing this blog post the second time because I accidentally deleted the previous post. Today was the best day ever because I had gone out with four of my friends.. because, on the day before Diwali, in our town, the roads are lined with people selling stuff everywhere.. like clothes, accessories, plastic stuff and whatnot. It was a blissful day to spend with these guys.. they were like four bodyguards who made me walk in the middle of the crowded streets so I could be safe in between. And one of them was that kind of bestie that you can sacrifice everything for. 

It was super fun. Usually, I’ve heard that it’ll be crowded the entire night, but I’ve never been out there late enough to see all that. But today, I was out till 10pm, because I knew I was safe with these guys.

They’re the best sort of friends one can ever get. And I’m taking pain to write all this, a second time, only because I don’t want to forget this wonderful day. 

Suddenly, life seems like a festival. It’s not dull anymore. It is vibrant, and full of colors, thanks to the kind of friends that I have got. Here’s a look at what our place looks like on the day before Diwali.. taken a couple of hours back.. Awesome, isn’t it? It gets like this if there are only a few days before Diwali. But the night before is the best.

And I also lit around 6 deepams and put them on our corridor today. I felt so happy and complete because it feels like it’s been years since we have done this. I had worn a French plait, and a new dress, and was happy all day. I have two more new dresses to be worn tomorrow.. so everything isn’t over yet. The festival of lights has only begun!

I wanted to show a picture of my corridor, but I’m using 2G and I’m not able to upload it, so.. that one can’t be shown now. I tried so hard to upload it, trust me.Anyway..

Happy diwali to all the folks out there! 🙂

Selfish World

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Sometimes,

Some thoughts arise:

Did they ever think of you

As a friend?

Because if not,

They wouldn’t dodge

And hide

When they have to give you back

That which belongs to you;

People don’t see you

For what you are – 

They only see you because 

You have money

In your savings,

Which you reveal to friends,

Because, you trust them,

You think they really are

Friends.

But all they think of you –

You’re just another source

For money.

They never return,

They never turn back and look

At this friend,

To whom, as well, 

Whatever has been lent

Means a lot.

One does not lend because 

They’re a millionaire –

Just because they understand 

The pain it takes

To save that huge an amount,

Having experienced it.

But people never spare

Even a second thought

For this poor lender –

If it had been just one person,

It would be okay..

The betrayal would heal

Eventually.

But for seeing around three people

In a year’s time

Do this

To a single person –

To the one who understood your pain

Is precisely why

Some people label this

Cruel world

As ‘selfish’.

Here’s another incident from today afternoon that explains how selfish everyone is:

 Today I was travelling by a local bus in my hometown. I saw many people getting on, and there was no more place to sit, but there was this one lady who was carrying a baby on her hip. I decided to give up my seat for her, but she was standing far away from where I sat. As soon as I got up, a lady was rushing towards my seat to sit down. I explained to the lady that I was getting up so that the other lady with the kid can sit.. since it’ll be hard to hold the baby and stand steadily in a moving bus.. but before that a little girl sat on my seat. I couldn’t ask her to get up, so I left it at that (kids don’t deserve to get up and give space for others).. but that lady who wanted to sit.. she asked the girl to get up, and sat there and she called someone she knew (probably her husband or her brother who was carrying a kid with him too) and asked him to make the child sit on her lap. People will go to any extent to accomplish what they want, eh? The man was carrying the child for her anyway.. she needed to sit, so she made an excuse.. people are such. But the other poor lady with the child was still standing.. I bet she had no clue there was someone in the bus who had given up a seat for her.

Later I wished I had not even gotten up. Sometimes there are selfish people out there.. you really must be selfish yourself to survive in this world.

Plants are better

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It’s better

To not have any friends

Than to have those

That fail to understand you;

Those that believe

With all their heart

About something

You never quite meant.

It’s better to have a plant

As a friend

That will never talk to you

Nor hurt you

With all the disbelief

That it can afford.

Even if you don’t water it,

It only sheds leaves 

As tears,

But later grows well

To bring a smile 

On your face.

At least it can be there for you

And listen silently

To your tales of sorrow

Unlike the friends

Who misunderstand

And leave.

Interval

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​This interval is what bothers me.

The minutes that follow,

The silence that settles,

The confusion, the chaos..

Every mistake, 

Resounding like an echo;

And as the end of every week

Or month

Draws near,

And expectations arise,

And memories conjured

Of happy moments

Seeming like things of the past,

Like pieces of a mirror

Reflecting a broken self;

And coming back

To this interval

That follows.


Like a trench in the ocean

Seeming long forgotten

But always looked out for,

As time flies by,

This interval grows;

On the other side of this interval,

Is hope, 

Of a renewed friendship,

Of bonds of eternal care;

And I shall wait,

Silently,

In awkwardness and guilt,

For what I’ve done,

Trapped in this interval

Of nothingness

That will extend 

Until what seems

Like the end of time.



Friends stay, don’t they?

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​Friends stay.

Even when you don’t know what you’re doing,

And you cut your hand in a ceiling fan,

And when you get admitted in a hospital,

Even if it takes a lot of time,

Even when you have no patience,

Even if they have to stay up all night,

Even when you complain about the green costume,

And when you undergo surgery,

And you can’t eat by yourself,

Even when you put them through hard times,

And you bother them all the time,

When you need them by your side all day,

Friends stay.

_________

Okay, I cut the back of my palm as I accidentally put my hand in the ceiling fan a few days ago. And my roommates took such great care of me the last two days that they deserve much, much more than this, but all I can give them in return is this poem. 

P.S: I hated the green outfit they gave me… so much.

Our final year project

DSCH software window.
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The Daily Post had been asking us: Do you have a good friend or close relative with whom you disagree on a major issue (political, personal, cultural)? What’s the issue, and how do you make the relationship work?

Three students can do a project together.

We got that as a notice, and it was final. We were hoping that five of us could do a project together, because the last time we all gave a seminar together, it turned out very good except for the part where I messed things up and we thought we’d all be in this together again, but no. They had said that only a maximum of three students could do a project together.

We never thought about one or two of us doing it alone… if three’s the maximum limit, then three members we will be. And so, we began hunting for one more member so we could split ourselves into three (although my friends told me strictly not to be very kind and invite the girl beside me over, because she doesn’t work at all… I’d taken a seminar with her before and I knew it, so I agreed, even if it was rather reluctantly). We were last benchers — something I’m proud of, even now. Three of us from the last bench (Me, D and G) and two from the second-last(B and N). And we knew that the four girls of the third bench who always stuck together had to sacrifice one anyway to some team, so we asked them, and M from the third-from-the-last bench said she’d join us.

And we were all set — six girls, ready to split in two teams.

You see, the adage ‘birds of a feather flock together’ had been so right. I never knew myself, D and G fit in so well until later… B and N were really good friends (more like the studying sort, completely different from us back-benchers) yet we were sure that everything will be okay.

Myself, D and G had thought of forming a group. After all, we were of the same bench! But the intelligent D, thinking that we won’t be able to concentrate on our project if we work with our close friends, decided that she will not work with G. (Although myself and D were not a safe combination as well)… and it so happened that after a week or two… everything was decided. Myself, D and B, who resides in front of my house, were a team. D reasoned that it would be perfect for me to work with B because our houses were just a few feet away from each other, and only one person had to actually travel.

D is known for her intelligence, and after she gave such a solid reason, all of us felt it was a wonderful plan. And so, G joined with N and M. And we were all set. Both our teams had gone early before the other teams and had chosen the same professor to guide us. And both teams had chosen VLSI as our domain, and our professor even began talking to us about the topics that he could assist us with, about whatever topic we had to select in VLSI.

We had decided to choose the topic later, as we had been studying VLSI only then, and knew nothing about the subject. We had formed teams so early because of the pressure from our HOD. But after this semester, we all came back to our professor and pondered over the topics yet again… and our team chose to so something with ‘LDPC codes’, while the other team was undecided. After the semester holidays, our team had arrived at a solid decision: ‘to construct an adder circuit using LDPC codes’, while the other team was contemplating if they’ll also take LDPC codes as their topic. We were really all set this time. Both our teams got ourselves pdfs related to the basics of ‘LDPC codes’ and began studying, because our professor had said that we had to study a lot about these codes, ’cause we didn’t know anything about these yet.

And D and G(from the other team) and myself promised him we’d work hard. Everything was finally set for us…. or so we’d thought.

While we were in the midst of this, B, our team-mate(the girl next door) abruptly said that we had to actually leave everything to a project center and take it easy. Now D and myself were people who didn’t spend money just like that (and mind you, a project in a project center costs approximately 15,000 rupees, meaning I had to give 5,000 rupees away to some group of people because I just didn’t feel like doing my project)… they’d do everything for you… from preparing PPTs to teaching you how to answer the questions you’re asked in your project reviews, they do it all. You don’t even need to know what you’re doing… just mug up what they ask you to, and spit it out in the reviews, and you’ll be all good.

Apparently, D, G and myself did not like this idea. N didn’t like it too, because she’s kind of frugal.

And with only B in our team rooting adamantly for taking our project to the project center, we began making frequent calls to each other and quarrelling in the phone. B was very, very firm that she would NOT give up. But after she knew that she really couldn’t do anything, because she was practically asking the majority of the team to adjust with her, and on top of that, asking us to pay ridiculous amounts for what could be done for free… and going against our wishes. There really wasn’t any other option for her but to shut herself up and co-operate with us, really. Then, she thought of doing the project alone, in some software company (not because of us, mind you… external projects are highly valued, and she thought of trying her luck, but alas..)… but it seemed that it wasn’t really possible, and she came back to us.

And so, we began working on LDPC codes, and we thought we were finally stable now, and everything was really, really set! We were about to do our project!

That was when B came up with something other than a project center… she told us that she’d heard that one of our classmates did a project based on an IEEE paper and finished it within a week! My jaw hung at that. Back then, I didn’t know there was this method in which students simply picked up a base paper and just placed a few extra transistors over it and told the world that they had modified it and bam, the project would be over. I and D despised the idea… we were girls who believed we need to put a little bit of effort in what we did. Though I’m lazy in many ways, I wanted to actually know what I was doing.

But B thought otherwise.

And so, the dispute started… about which project we were going to take up. D and myself were firm since day 1 about the project, but B kept oscillating… and we didn’t quite like it. In fact, it was much more than ‘not liking’… we were… we were… furious…

Let’s just say that we didn’t have many a pleasant conversation after that.

B in our team and N in theirs, both were fixed on IEEE based projects now. Both were a good pair back in the second-last bench, and we three last benchers felt it was a mistake trying to split ourselves. After all, we three had craved to continue LDPC, but it wasn’t even possible to change teams right now. It was too late.

I thought we would never end up doing what B says, because, she was just the minority. In their group though, G was the only one who was like us, so theirs didn’t have a chance, but we still had. We both (the majority) wanted to continue what we had just started. I knew that poor B had to give up.

Many lovely conversations, and a few days later…

We had come down to B’s plan. She was so firm that she said “I will come only if you people do that one.” And we two didn’t have an answer for that. Sure, we both were tougher girls, and we could definitely fight better, but we thought that instead of spending months together quarrelling with each other, it was best to finish it soon. We were not keen on spending a lot of time with her.

Though B had a valid reason of suggesting all that (that we have to get out of town and back everyday this semester for classes, and we wouldn’t find enough time to do this), I still didn’t like the way she thought everything should be done the way she says. I’m a very adjusting person, and if she probably requested me, I would’ve been with her in this.

But what’s done is done, and we are back to being friends, ’cause I cannot be that way with anyone for long. But D hates her now, for all B’s done to achieve this. And even when I talk to D about B, her despise is so contagious that I speak a few words behind B’s back, like how adamant she is. I feel it’s wrong, because I had thought that I, of all people, do not talk behind people’s backs, but this time, maybe I am proving that I’m also human, after all.

But anyway, I put on a smile and talk to her without any hate whenever I’m with her… and she smiles at me too, and things are almost normal… from the surface.

And things will always be so.

And we will finish our project soon.

With Forrest Gump and a close friend

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Today was one of the best days for me, and I felt this should be recorded somewhere, so here’s another post from me! Today I and my friend, D, about whom I had mentioned earlier, had a great day together.

We happen to be batch-mates in our final year project, and after our work was done in college, we asked our other batch-mate to head home. We both then went to a local eatery and ate.

After we had eaten, we came out and started walking at a random direction… neither of us were sure where we were headed to. But, when she asked me where we were going, without much thought, I asked her if we could head to the same place we went every time… to a nearby tank, which had murkily-green water. A few people were washing their clothes there, and a few were bathing… and a few were swimming there! Eek!

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Mahamaham Tank, Kumbakonam.

We finally settled on a high platform – on a high stair, actually, and looked on. We chatted a bit about Johnny, who was a part of her family… she’d tell me about his antics (she’ll kill me if I addressed him as a dog… so I guess I won’t say such mean things about him here…). He’s really cute. ‘He’s a beauty’, she’d say. And I would very, very much agree. Once you see someone like him, then you’d want to pet no one else but him!

And then, we did something better than just sit and chat… even though we knew we didn’t have much charge left in both our laptops, and despite the scorching afternoon sun which would render it almost impossible to even look at our laptops, we decided to watch a movie – Forrest Gump. We adjusted the brightness and made it full… we were able to make out what was happening, but that’s about it. And that was all that mattered.

We began watching.

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Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump. Photo: Ian678

After watching almost half of the movie in the banks of the Mahamaham tank, her laptop said that it couldn’t any more run without food, and we immediately switched to mine. We had only fifteen minutes or so for the movie to end when my laptop gave us a similar intimation as well. Shutting it down, I went over to the bus station along with her to drop her… we walked, actually.

As soon as she left, I knew I would write a blog post about this day. It had been an amazing day at the banks of the blissful Mahamaham tank. All days spent at this place are. And Forrest Gump had made our day even better!