About Trust

I’d watched a tamil movie today – Yaman. It was like a political drama, and I would’ve felt it very, very irrational and non-realistic had I not experienced so much as I have thus far in life. In the movie, each and every character ends up plotting against someone who was once on their side, and very close to them. The MC kills everyone at the end and emerges as the newly elected MLA – after killing all those people who had done wrong (and they were all a major threat to him, so he had no other choice), but this movie showed everyone that anyone could turn against anyone – just like that.

Which is true, because even though there had been no one who wanted to murder me, I’ve seen my share of things to stay aware, to stay away, to stay wary of people who seem to come too close, or even as an average friend. I’m beginning to build this little gap between me and everyone, like the crocodile-invested water surrounding castles of old. Hah!

I’ve seen people take money from me and disappear, I’ve seen people who’d been my roommate for months and ended up stealing stuff and hiding things from the rest of us, I’ve seen people who avoid me when I ask them to return my money because I needed them, I’ve seen people who behaved like best friends – divine friendship, if you will – and have hidden things and fought with you for something you thought all the time that you did something terrible, and it turned out that what you had done didn’t count even as a tiny dot. I’ve seen people who’re kind, I’ve seen people who said they’d be there for me always, I’ve seen people who liked me very much, and I’ve somehow ended up hurting them without meaning to, I’ve seen people who care, who love me – my mother and father, I’ve seen people who think I’m dumb – (99% of my friends call me that) and I’ve seen people who think I’m innocent (the same 99℅ of people think so), I’ve seen people discourage me from doing things, I’ve seen my whole school encourage me while I was young (I don’t know why, but everyone in my school back then had some unshakable belief in me, and that’s what made me become the school topper in 10th, I guess), I’ve seen EVERYTHING.

All kinds of people.

I couldn’t ask for more.

And I have learned, from my previous experiences, that I shouldn’t be trusting anyone. I try to not hurt anyone, I try to be polite all the time, but people don’t seem to reciprocate it, sometimes. And it hurts – a lot.

The more closer they are to you, the more it hurts. You stop caring, finally. You start thinking that no one is worth all the hurt, and you build this cocoon around yourself, but you keep fluttering out every now and then, because you know you’re not one to stay put – you’re just not that kind of person.

But you have to live within that cocoon – else, you’ll start expecting again from people. Trust is not the thing, actually. It’s expectation. Expectation that they’ll stay true – all the time. Expectation that your life will be spun out like a perfect fairytale; that whoever you meet will forever be loyal to you and only you, and that they will never think selfishly. When you expect something and you don’t get it, you get hurt.

So now I’ve found the key. I’ve stopped expecting. Completely.

It’s not like I had already been dependent on people until now – I always stay a bit independent, and don’t ask any favours from anyone – a trait I believe to have inherited from my father.

I never ask anyone to do anything for me. Even a simple thing to get from somewhere. So now I’ve just stopped expecting, I’ve stopped assuming. Because we don’t know who they really are. They might appear to us as friends, but who really are they?

I will never think I know the people I know anymore. Because no one ever knows.

I’m sensitive, get hurt for little things, try to let no one know how bad I’m hurt, make sure my roommates never know a thing when I feel terrible, I sit alone in the dark to sulk and then come back, I badly need someone to complain everything about, and WordPress is all I can think about. What a healthy state of mind!

I’m a total mess.

Hiring, hiring!

There might be many companies that come to my college this year. As I can see, everyone’s expecting to get placed soon. So do I.

But I asked myself this question: which organization would make me feel like home? Which one is best for me?

And also, I asked myself this. “Where would I be able to fit in well?” “Where should I be placed to improve my skills further?”

Though I haven’t got that answer yet, I still believe I’ll end up in the right place, because, I know the interviewers will select me only if they think I’m good for their organization.

I also have a desire for not-so-formal clothes, which I’m not allowed to wear in college. So I googled about a few companies and found that some might allow on Fridays (better once a week than never). I just want to relieve myself from the traditional ‘salwar kameez’ for once, at the least.

But I have a great affinity towards converse, which I’m sure I’ll have to spare for the ‘outside work outings’. I’m sure I’d hang out with friends in the weekends, so why not?

And I also hope I write something and publish it someday. I always start something, but I don’t finish it; a new idea pops into my mind even before I finish the current one that I’m working on.

And coming back to… (look at the heading, please)..

Wonderful companies like Mu Sigma, TCS, Accenture, IBM and… (am I missing something?)… and many more companies that I’m not even eligible to participate in (like Paypal, Amazon, Microsoft, etc) are visiting my college again this year!

The thing is… I am still (a teeny weeny bit) confused about which place to choose. I feel like going to a place that I’ve dreamed of going, but I know no one there. There’s another awesome place where I have relatives (and also a couple of childhood friends), which happens to be my birthplace, but I really don’t know if I want to go there.

I’m sure of one thing, though. I don’t want to get settled in the place I live currently. 😛 I just want to move to a metropolitan city, but I’m not sure which one to choose.

These are the confusions and problems that come along with hiring. After all, deciding the place/organization where you’re going to spend the next phase of your life isn’t easy, is it? Even though you get to earn, you can’t say you’ll be happy however it turns out, will you?

And I need a friends circle that will be huge enough to keep me busy everyday with them. I love spending time with friends. I wish I get some like-minded people as my would-be colleagues.

Goodness me! I’m planning so far ahead! I don’t even know if I’m going to get a job or not. (Well… I do have confidence in myself, which is why I’m ranting so much), but there’re always ifs and buts, right?

Okay… I know I’ll go on ranting, making this post even more intolerable for you to read, filling it with other personal expectations and worries. Don’t worry, I’ll stop it here. For now. 😀