Missile preparation at home simplified: an easy, step-by-step procedure.


My father had been a senior scientist officer (or whatever he had been) in DRDL, and has probably been around missiles and stuff for decades, but has never told me a thing about the chemical components needed to prepare one. Anyway, that never stops me from discovering it out by myself. And reveal it to my dearest fellow bloggers, of course.

So… you want to prepare a missile, you say? And destroy that ONE place that has been bothering you since a while. And you need my help for that?

Being the generous genius that I am, I consent! I shall assist you in making it and successfully test-firing it onto your own enemy-land! Now here’s the procedure how to do so…

Ingredients needed:

1. Sulphur (three oh two grams)
2. Potassium Nitrate (three hundred and forty two and a quarter teaspoonfuls of saltpetre, to be precise)
3. Charcoal (fully charred, and decorated with silver glitter-pens for the best effect)
4. A matchstick.
5. A huge plastic bottle.
6. Silicon dioxide
7. H2O (maintained at 100 degree Celsius for seven minutes)
8. A goodbye note (on a red cardboard, please)
9. A strong bell

That will be all.

But, as you have noticed, when I say ‘sulphur’, or ‘saltpetre’, you might fumble through the keys on your keyboard and google how you can find them. Worry not, dear friend, researching about missiles will only alert your internet security provider or whoever it is who is supposed to be watching you that you’ve gradually become a terrorist. We don’t want that now, do we?

I have done all the things and have gathered all the info. So, the only effort from your side is going to be… the making. Never bother yourself with trivial searches, my busy terrorist-friend.
What do we need first? Sulphur.

We don’t want to go to a chemical store or wherever and ask them for “302 grams of Sulphur please”, because they are likely to find out what you’re up to and inform the police. Being the smarter persons, we will not do that. We are revolutionists and scientists in a way! We know that sulphur will be found in volcanic eruptions!

And so, we travel to Mount Etna. (I highly recommend Etna, but you may choose Hawaii if you will.) Please do not choose any other volcanic mountain, because you’re not allowed to research about it in the internet because your ISP or whoever it is who watches over people doing sneaky things in the net already figured you’d do this and is watching your next move and is waiting for you to google about missiles, and because Etna is a cooler choice when compared to volcanoes I don’t know of. You can visit Syracuse nearby. It’s a very lovely city, I tell you.
I know it’s lovely because I have a very good imagination. My long-abandoned novel was based on it. It’s the hub of the Mediterranean and what more’s needed? We’re going there to dig out the cool yellowy stuff that we need to make our missile.

After that’s done, our next plan is to get potassium nitrate. Though this is a top secret, I’m telling you because… well, as I said, I’m generous. *Whispers*Caves belonging to the early-man might contain saltpetre! You just have to step on the dust of the cave and see if you can see your footprints or not after a day. If you do, then we have to look for another cave. If not, well, we’ve found niter-dust! And that will be our base for potassium nitrate.

If you do not like History as I do, and if you do not take pleasure in venturing to Sicily just because you have to get some spoonfuls of dust, you have an alternative: animal excreta. I know! Interesting indeed!
After that, we’re going to go to the jungles, and if you’re a social volunteer or an environment-caretaker or a nature-lover, then forget about your beloved trees for a moment and axe a few trees and burn them, because you’ve already decided on terrorism. There’s no backing away. Not to be afraid of trees.
Forty three minutes before the trees turn to ash, extinguish the fire. Do you have charred wood now? Perfect. Pack it into your duffel bag. We’ll need it.

Next, we need a bit of water and clay to ensure the three substances stick together no matter what. So do take a waste bottle from your home and half-fill it with a mixture of silicon dioxide and hot H2O. Then, add the specified amount of sulphur, saltpetre and a handful of charcoal into the bottle and seal it tightly.

Decorate it with the ‘Goodbye’ note, so that your best friends in that place where you’re going to fire will be able to get your message before they die. Make it red to give a devilish look. They need to realize the urgency and your hard-work to look terrifying. After all, deciding that you’re a terrorist will alone not suffice, will it?
Next, make a hole with a nail and inject the wick inside, so that it touches the disgusting paste inside (never give up because of the smell. Always remember how far you’ve gone for Sulphur and what lengths you’ve gone to extract saltpetre). And then, take out the matchstick and take it very, very near to the wick… and stop there.
Now, shake the bell. Hear that sound? That’s called conscience. It’s pricking you, because you haven’t done anything, and this genius blogger has told you the whole procedure. So, I’m being considerate here, and giving you a chance to do-it-yourself. Exciting stuff can happen only once, so snatch this opportunity away!
Do it yourself space:

Now, it’s time for your lazy brain to think of some super-genius-Akila-ish technique to light it without dying. I will never promise that this super-genius missile will never burst right away. After all, there were no propellants installed. 😀

But… big-hearted as she is, Akila always comes to your aid in times of distress. Here’s a clue: Newton’s third law. Missile propellants are based on this law.

So, the whole ‘propellant thing’ is simplified, thanks to me remembering this little tip from my science textbook a few years ago. Basically… you just need to fire your propellants downwards with a strong force. Due to the ‘strong and opposing force’ that Newton promised, the missile will move up and attack your enemy-place. Easy, isn’t it?

Now you go find out more about the missile propellants. I’m done with sulphur and saltpetre. *sighs out loud.*